Man, I am way too fat.

Gluttony is among the 7 deadly sins, and I am afraid I am guilty as charged.

I joke about it. I have for years. It is not funny really. The most depressing part of getting fatter is you will tell yourself that you will do something to stop it if you get to "x" lbs. It is all a lie to enable you to continue whatever it is you continuously do.

For me, that means being more and more inactive, and eating nothing but crap foods. The problem is, I just don't know that I can stop. What scares me to death is that I won't be around long in my daugthers' lives, and that destroys me in the inside. My dad died when I was 3, and I hadn't seen him in over a year, thus no memories whatsoever. I still try to find the right questions to ask to spark a vivid enough memory for someone tell me about him.

I have other issues; I smoke, I cuss like a sailor when I am angry, and sometimes just because. I am having a hard time liking the person staring back at me through the mirror. I have prayed and prayed about this, but I fear this is an issue that was self inflicted, and all the prayers in the world aren't going to overcome what I am too weak to do; stop eating so damn much, stop smoking, etc. It isn't a failure or limitation on God, but maybe my will is bent too far in the wrong direction to allow God to do what He does best, heal me.

I am writing this here because it is safe. No one here actually knows me personally, and I can just go on laughing at myself in public while wanting to beat myself senseless every time I have to look in the mirror.

Growing up, I played basketball literally from sun up until after sundown. I was a chubby kid, but short rests were good enough with gatorade. Today, I spent probably 15 minutes shooting baskets and I started to get leg weary. Are you freaking kidding me? I wasn't even running! I am so disappointed in myself right now.

So, if you are reading this, please pray for me. I want to turn this thing around, and be able to simply run with my girls without being afraid of turning my ankles or looking like an idiot.

Thanks.