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Heart of the Fatherless Daughter
Okay so this is long. Sorry.
I am the only child of a single mother. I lived a lot of my life hardly realizing the void of not having my father in my life, but there have also been times of deep sorrow and yearning for this man that I’ve never known.
And most recently when I finished BoneMan's Daughters, I cried off and on for about an hour. I have never read a book that had such an impact on me. Since then, there has been a deep yearning in my heart, stronger than it’s ever been before, to have that father’s love in my life, that love that I’ve been missing out on.
The first time I realized I was missing something in my life, I was about seven years old. I was staying the night at my friend’s, and we were saying goodnight to her parents. As I was standing halfway up the stairs looking down at her and her father, she gave him a hug and kiss then looked at me. My friend turned back to her father and innocently asked, “Aren’t you going to give her hugs and kisses too?” He gave me an almost sympathetic smile then answered his daughter, “Honey, I’m not her daddy.” So because of one innocent question from a five year old and the simple truth of her dad’s response, I realized for the first time that someone was truly missing from my life.
Now, I will say that I have had glimpses of a father’s love. The Lord has blessed me by placing men in my life for me to look up to. Yet, no matter how much I love and admire them, there is the distinct difference between me and their own chidren--they are not my dad and I understand that. But in that struggle lately, I’ve come to realize that I don’t really know how to relate to God as my Father. I was in church recently when that realization hit me harder than ever. I sat on the floor and cried, just asking God to be that father to me, to reveal Himself as the loving Father that I desperately need in my life.
Then I went on a young adult retreat that weekend. The first night down there, I talked to my friend about what I was dealing with. The next day we went shopping. Toward the end, my friend and I found a bookstore. While we were looking through the Christian living section, I spotted the title “In My Father’s House.” The words “Finding Your Heart’s True Home” were on the cover along with a little girl in a glassless window—as if in a playhouse or something. That was enough to make me read the back cover. The very first line read “The need to be well fathered is a fundamental need of the human heart.” I didn’t read far beyond that line before I looked over at my friend and said, “Tell me this doesn’t say most of what I told you last night,” and handed her the book. She read the back, handed it to me, and said, “That’s YOUR book.” I haven’t gotten too far, but already there are truths in it that have revealed themselves to me.
There are also things that I don’t relate to in this book. I don’t relate to having a bad relationship with my father—I’ve never known him. I don’t relate to bitter or bad feelings to either him or my mom—I know and understand the situation behind it. I don’t understand using that void as an excuse to become involved in things that aren’t right.
What this book doesn’t talk about, or at least so far and from what I’ve seen of chapter titles, is something I am struggling with and would love to talk to someone that has experienced this to help me with my journey.
As I’m learning to relate to God as my Father, that yearning to find my dad has grown. From the time I found out about who he really was (I was about sixteen), I always wanted to someday find him and get to know him. I understand there is the possibility of rejection there, but I know in my heart of hearts that I would rather deal with the pain of having him say, “I’m sorry but I don’t want to have you in my life,” than to daily struggle with the what ifs of not even taking the chance to find him and know him.
The thing is, my dad doesn’t even know I exist. And the only things I know about him include his first name, where he worked, and that I have at least have two older brothers. Long story short, he and my mom were a one time thing, and I was the tiny percent of the time that birth control didn’t work. She didn’t tell him because she later saw him out with a lady and a couple kids. She even decided to give me up for adoption, and didn’t change her mind until after I was born—the nurse brought me in to see her and she decided she had to do whatever it took to raise me. I love my mom, and she’s done a great job being my mom for the last twenty-two years. But she also knows I would like to find my dad.
I know I’ll never have that father that has been around and has known me my whole life, but I do hope to build a relationship with my dad, to one day say to someone that is in the place I am now, “Here’s my story, here’s how I got to know my dad.”
I’m just scared. I don’t know anyone that has dealt with this, anyone that could give me advice about it. So I’m asking you all. I understand this is a personal topic—for me anyway, because I feel like I’m laying my heart out here. So if you’d rather talk privately, add me as a friend if you need to then message me.
What kind of advice would you give to this girl that wants to find her dad?
And fathers particularly, what would you do if you found out you had a daughter you never knew about?
And if someone here has dealt with this, would you be willing to talk to me about it? (whether your experience has been a positive or negative one--as I really have no one that can relate to me on this)
I am the only child of a single mother. I lived a lot of my life hardly realizing the void of not having my father in my life, but there have also been times of deep sorrow and yearning for this man that I’ve never known.
And most recently when I finished BoneMan's Daughters, I cried off and on for about an hour. I have never read a book that had such an impact on me. Since then, there has been a deep yearning in my heart, stronger than it’s ever been before, to have that father’s love in my life, that love that I’ve been missing out on.
The first time I realized I was missing something in my life, I was about seven years old. I was staying the night at my friend’s, and we were saying goodnight to her parents. As I was standing halfway up the stairs looking down at her and her father, she gave him a hug and kiss then looked at me. My friend turned back to her father and innocently asked, “Aren’t you going to give her hugs and kisses too?” He gave me an almost sympathetic smile then answered his daughter, “Honey, I’m not her daddy.” So because of one innocent question from a five year old and the simple truth of her dad’s response, I realized for the first time that someone was truly missing from my life.
Now, I will say that I have had glimpses of a father’s love. The Lord has blessed me by placing men in my life for me to look up to. Yet, no matter how much I love and admire them, there is the distinct difference between me and their own chidren--they are not my dad and I understand that. But in that struggle lately, I’ve come to realize that I don’t really know how to relate to God as my Father. I was in church recently when that realization hit me harder than ever. I sat on the floor and cried, just asking God to be that father to me, to reveal Himself as the loving Father that I desperately need in my life.
Then I went on a young adult retreat that weekend. The first night down there, I talked to my friend about what I was dealing with. The next day we went shopping. Toward the end, my friend and I found a bookstore. While we were looking through the Christian living section, I spotted the title “In My Father’s House.” The words “Finding Your Heart’s True Home” were on the cover along with a little girl in a glassless window—as if in a playhouse or something. That was enough to make me read the back cover. The very first line read “The need to be well fathered is a fundamental need of the human heart.” I didn’t read far beyond that line before I looked over at my friend and said, “Tell me this doesn’t say most of what I told you last night,” and handed her the book. She read the back, handed it to me, and said, “That’s YOUR book.” I haven’t gotten too far, but already there are truths in it that have revealed themselves to me.
There are also things that I don’t relate to in this book. I don’t relate to having a bad relationship with my father—I’ve never known him. I don’t relate to bitter or bad feelings to either him or my mom—I know and understand the situation behind it. I don’t understand using that void as an excuse to become involved in things that aren’t right.
What this book doesn’t talk about, or at least so far and from what I’ve seen of chapter titles, is something I am struggling with and would love to talk to someone that has experienced this to help me with my journey.
As I’m learning to relate to God as my Father, that yearning to find my dad has grown. From the time I found out about who he really was (I was about sixteen), I always wanted to someday find him and get to know him. I understand there is the possibility of rejection there, but I know in my heart of hearts that I would rather deal with the pain of having him say, “I’m sorry but I don’t want to have you in my life,” than to daily struggle with the what ifs of not even taking the chance to find him and know him.
The thing is, my dad doesn’t even know I exist. And the only things I know about him include his first name, where he worked, and that I have at least have two older brothers. Long story short, he and my mom were a one time thing, and I was the tiny percent of the time that birth control didn’t work. She didn’t tell him because she later saw him out with a lady and a couple kids. She even decided to give me up for adoption, and didn’t change her mind until after I was born—the nurse brought me in to see her and she decided she had to do whatever it took to raise me. I love my mom, and she’s done a great job being my mom for the last twenty-two years. But she also knows I would like to find my dad.
I know I’ll never have that father that has been around and has known me my whole life, but I do hope to build a relationship with my dad, to one day say to someone that is in the place I am now, “Here’s my story, here’s how I got to know my dad.”
I’m just scared. I don’t know anyone that has dealt with this, anyone that could give me advice about it. So I’m asking you all. I understand this is a personal topic—for me anyway, because I feel like I’m laying my heart out here. So if you’d rather talk privately, add me as a friend if you need to then message me.
What kind of advice would you give to this girl that wants to find her dad?
And fathers particularly, what would you do if you found out you had a daughter you never knew about?
And if someone here has dealt with this, would you be willing to talk to me about it? (whether your experience has been a positive or negative one--as I really have no one that can relate to me on this)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by RETS on -
I wish I could say that I can relate to you completely- And I only say that because I know what it means to have a lack of support in a given situation.
But, I can relate to not knowing my biological father at all... And I can relate in that I never truly KNEW the man I call my dad.
I wish I could give you some tips, like approach carefully, respect his wishes if he doesn't want to know you, that sort of thing... But I couldn't do that. I tried finding my own "father," and all I discovered was a really cool grandfather who died shortly after speaking to me.
I do know a few people who have gone to find their fathers. One now has a wonderful relationship with hers, but it took nearly ten years to locate him.
The second found hers in under a year- Ironically, living down the street, and three blocks over -But he was quite rude and told her he'd always known where she was, he just didn't care.
The third finally tracked his down after about five years with almost nothing but a name on his certificate, and discovered he'd been murdered while serving for armed robbery.
There's one other part of your post I was hoping to address... But I think I'll hold off for the moment in hopes that someone who's been through this will help you.
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Permalink Reply by DvineJoy on -
RETS said:I wish I could give you some tips, like approach carefully, respect his wishes if he doesn't want to know you, that sort of thing... But I couldn't do that. I tried finding my own "father," and all I discovered was a really cool grandfather who died shortly after speaking to me.
There's one other part of your post I was hoping to address... But I think I'll hold off for the moment in hopes that someone who's been through this will help you.
I do plan on respecting his wishes if he doesn't want to know me. I don't want to be pushy about it. I would just like to get to know him and if he and they permit, his family--brothers and sisters I may have, aunts uncles, grandparents, that sort of thing . . . though I understand it may get messy trying to explain me to them, and it will take time.
And I'm looking forward to see what else you plan to address.
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Permalink Reply by Zoe on -
I think KingdomWarrior has experience in this. I -think-.
Man, Joy, my heart really goes out to you. I'm one of those people who suffers the consequence of not having a very good relationship with my dad (for the last several years, not much of a relationship at all), but at least I know my dad and I know that he loves me. I can't imagine what this is like for you.
I don't really have any advice, but I do encourage you to talk more with your mom about contacting your father. I don't know if it would be better for her or you to make the initial contact. Hopefully someone will post in here who has done that.
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Permalink Reply by TC_2 on -
I read this post -- and my heart breaks for you.
I wish I could help more than pray -- but currently that's all I can give you.
My prayers are with you DJ.
I debated with myself as to whether I should even post in this thread -- but was encouraged to let you know that what you wrote moved my heart greatly and that I am praying for you. I do know about the 'father wound' which resides in everyone's soul (I had a large father wound) -- a great earthly father can help some -- but for the most part we all must come to the intimacy only our Heavenly Father can fill.
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Permalink Reply by DvineJoy on
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Zoe said:I think KingdomWarrior has experience in this. I -think-.
Man, Joy, my heart really goes out to you. I'm one of those people who suffers the consequence of not having a very good relationship with my dad (for the last several years, not much of a relationship at all), but at least I know my dad and I know that he loves me. I can't imagine what this is like for you.
I don't really have any advice, but I do encourage you to talk more with your mom about contacting your father. I don't know if it would be better for her or you to make the initial contact. Hopefully someone will post in here who has done that.
I'll ask KW to read this and see if there's any advice she can give if she has gone through this or something similar.
It is hard. It's so easy for things regarding fathers' relationships with their children to make me think about what I've missed out on. Movies, books, posts on the message board. When I read Dekker's post about why he wrote BoneMan, I cried and knew that book was going to impact me.
As to who will contact him, Mom and I have talked about that a lot. With her choices in the situation, she believes it would be best for her to stay out of it as much as possible. And when I do find a way to contact him, it may be a letter or something like that at first. I don't know. The Lord will help me in what to do there. It's going to be a shock on both ends, I know that much.
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Permalink Reply by DvineJoy on
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TC_2 said:I read this post -- and my heart breaks for you.
I wish I could help more than pray -- but currently that's all I can give you.
My prayers are with you DJ.
I debated with myself as to whether I should even post in this thread -- but was encouraged to let you know that what you wrote moved my heart greatly and that I am praying for you. I do know about the 'father wound' which resides in everyone's soul (I had a large father wound) -- a great earthly father can help some -- but for the most part we all must come to the intimacy only our Heavenly Father can fill.
Prayers mean a lot right now. So thank you.
I'm actually doing a study right now about God as Father, so I'm learning. It's easy for me to see Him as a Father, as I have no earthy father in my life to possibly distort how I look at Him. But at the same time, it's the relating to Him as a Father that I'm learning about.
When it comes to fathers' relationships with their children, my family doesn't have a good record for it. My mom and her dad don't get along, and I don't get along with him either. And there are lots of problems with my extended family and their dads. My grandma got along well with her dad, but he died before my mom was born. The only man in my family that I really connected to and loved that loved me in such a way was my mom's stepdad. He died when I was twelve.
So I'm learning how to relate to Him as my Father. Seeing Him that way is one thing, relating to Him that way is another.
And thank you for replying, it means more than you know.
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Permalink Reply by KingdomWarrior on -
Hey Joy, i'll help in any way possible. First, let me tell you that I am praying. For you to find God as your Father and understand all that this brings with it.
As you know, I am adopted. I know neither my birth mom or birth dad. I do want to find them, if nothing more than to say thanks and inquire about my health and see if I have siblings. If they want a relationship, then great! I am all for that - but they would never replace my mom and dad. For me, I have her last name and know that I was born in the same town I grew up in - so that narrows down that she was from somewhere in a 4 or 5 county radius of where I live, if she hasn't moved.
Now for practical stuff - first, if you know his first name and where he worked, call that place and see if he is still there. If so, then met him without telling him who you are. Gauge his personality, his conduct, how he treats those around him. When you are ready to tell him, if your mom is open to it, have her come along. That might jog his memory and then you can approach the subject.
But if you can't find him - there is a tv show called Troy - The Locator on We TV. He helps people find their birth parents, siblings, foster parents, ect. He might have tips on his web site to begin the investigation yourself.
I was planning to start my search this year, but with Elijah, that has made things more difficult - and my parents don't want me searching - at least not yet. I am still praying about it though. I found out in God's timing so I will find my birth family in His time too.
PS - I have 2 cousins who were adopted too. Both born right here and raised here. The youngest found his birth mom and she out right rejected him from the first hour of meeting. It nearly destroyed him. His brother never wants to find his birth family - he says that if she didn't care enough to keep him, he didn't care enough to know her. I told him that she might have been forced by her parents or many other things. I have urged him to look, but he won't consider.
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Permalink Reply by DvineJoy on
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KingdomWarrior said:Hey Joy, i'll help in any way possible. First, let me tell you that I am praying. For you to find God as your Father and understand all that this brings with it.
Now for practical stuff - first, if you know his first name and where he worked, call that place and see if he is still there. If so, then met him without telling him who you are. Gauge his personality, his conduct, how he treats those around him. When you are ready to tell him, if your mom is open to it, have her come along. That might jog his memory and then you can approach the subject.
But if you can't find him - there is a tv show called Troy - The Locator on We TV. He helps people find their birth parents, siblings, foster parents, ect. He might have tips on his web site to begin the investigation yourself.
Thanks for the prayer and support. I hope your own search goes well for you.
I don't have the ability to go to his work place. First of all, it merged with another company in the early 90s. Second, I'm not in that state right now. I don't have his last name, and his name isn't on my birth certificate.
I've seen commercials advertising that show on WE. I'll be sure to check that out.
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Permalink Reply by KingdomWarrior on
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DJ - there are other things that can be done. I asked family before I talked to my parents about what they knew.
Some family may know his last name, your mom maybe able to tell you where he lived and you can use a city directory from that year and do a reverse look up. This would give you the name of the person who owned the house (not good if he was a renter). Trust me, I have done this, since I had a last name. I looked up everyone with that name in a 5 county area and wrote them down. I have driven by there, wondering if she still lives there.
With my cousin, the hospital actually left the arm band on him when he left - he was abandoned just like I was. THis is how he knew his birth mom;s name. When Elijah was born, I was already in contact with his family, so I knew their name, phone #, address and all vital info - even going back 2 and 3 generations.
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Permalink Reply by DvineJoy on
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KingdomWarrior said:DJ - there are other things that can be done. I asked family before I talked to my parents about what they knew.
Some family may know his last name, your mom maybe able to tell you where he lived and you can use a city directory from that year and do a reverse look up. This would give you the name of the person who owned the house (not good if he was a renter). Trust me, I have done this, since I had a last name. I looked up everyone with that name in a 5 county area and wrote them down. I have driven by there, wondering if she still lives there.
With my cousin, the hospital actually left the arm band on him when he left - he was abandoned just like I was. THis is how he knew his birth mom;s name. When Elijah was born, I was already in contact with his family, so I knew their name, phone #, address and all vital info - even going back 2 and 3 generations.
Only thing I have is what my mom's given me. Everyone else in my family believes he died in a car accident before I was born--the story I believed up until I was eleven when I finally asked where he was buried. My grandma is the only one that knows otherwise, but she knows just as much as I do, maybe less. With my family, it's best they don't know until I find him--when and IF I decide to tell them.
Here's all I know: first name, where he worked, general area he lived in, he has at least two sons older than me-one by two years and one by five years. Mom says she had his name and number in an address book somewhere, but all our stuff is in boxes. The ones we looked through don't have it, and if there are others, we don't know where they are.
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Permalink Reply by Jeremiah on -
And fathers particularly, what would you do if you found out you had a daughter you never knew about?
I would do everything in my power to find her and know her. Having a daughter now, knowing how much of a part of my life she is now, finding out that there was another girl that had part of my face, or my personality, or my sense of humor, I don't think I would feel all together anymore.
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